I ended up with black, gray and white from the colorful green one I was working on. Meh. I felt like it was a waste of effort but it’s because after I was done with the front page of the earlier theme I made, I suddenly felt like not moving on.. and I know when my heart tells me to stop, it definitely means it’s not for me or not time yet. Same with blogging, same with life. That’s definitely me, undecisive.
This is why, while everyone I knew were applying for jobs, already working, already training, I was at home looking after the beloved pets, dreaming, catching up with my lost sleeping hours, drafting, drawing…and doing other things at the same time – thinking. I know for a fact many are still wondering why I am not looking for a job when in our earlier years of college I was one of those who were anticipating so much in the future, who knew so much out of excitement, who had plans. But in the end, I figured I wasn’t ready.
As the time passed by, I became frustrated to what I really wanted to be after all the studying.
I wanted to do so much and still do but still, I feel like I need to know more before I can face that real world, step by step. So, it’s not really me being lazy (I guess partly) but also me – seeking to what path suits me and is ideal for me.
And I hope I find that path soon. Right now, I am starting with plan A. Go on to plan B..then C.
To focus in web marketing. A year ago, I got accepted in Payu2blog after so many tries. I heard really good things about them, so now, I have these 5 blogs there I try to update almost everyday. However, it seems the air had changed – if you know what I mean, but I’m not saying their bad but in fact they’re great. Although what I’m getting is not what I expected which kind of makes me want to give that plan up. Plus I can’t do other things when everyday, I update 5 blogs. Sometimes I don’t but doing so, I end up having to back-post each of them which is more hardcore and brain draining! Leaves me no time to make web layouts and other things And all the page ranks of my blog has already decreased due to a long inactivity last year. I can’t update 20 blogs + everyday -_- To get high ranked sites, it needs focus and I can’t do that at all if I have to comment for 20 + blogs so that they’d get decent back links, decent direct advertisers! Meh. Maybe with a massive time planning.
SEO – I want to try this but I think it needs dedication. To do it first though, I should learn how. I would have to focus on one website to do this or maybe a few :[
Businesses – Last year, or two I think I was planning to open up a kawaii-stuff-store with my own crafted accessories. However, I always end up not doing anyway. Now, I have all the time in the world but well I don’t know. I can’t use our oven here either according to mom. I just kept on renewing my domain for that plan. There’s really not much problem, except I don’t have all the utilities! I don’t even know how I can go ship items I will sell. hmmm. But I guess that shouldn’t be too hard once I get more chances to go out by myself and learn how’s that. Yes, I don’t go out by myself *_*…I used to.
Hosting business – my hosting business isn’t really much. Although from time to time, I get perks. Plus to a person who owns a bunch of sites it’s pretty neat. I need to learn so much more still though, especially how to make use of my sitting VPS to make it possible for decent daily back up once more. Meh.
Create more website layouts than ever, study essentials of web designing and web development.
Learn all sorts of web and mobile development essentials. Flash, Adobe Illustrator, XML, Android development, iOS development. I wish. Often though, my back pain attacks or I just end up thinking more…
I wish I’ll find the answer to these confusion. I do feel bad because sometimes I feel useless whenever everyone around me complains about money problems, even if..I do help in my own way, even if they don’t say it. And I feel bad too whenever I see my college classmates seem to be enjoying their “real world” and whenever it’s like people mainly wants to criticize you for not having a job after graduating.
In my heart though, I know there’s something waiting for me. Surely, I will find that and I will be the happiest if I will.
I’m not picky, or am I? I’m not throwing away what I’ve learned. In fact, I want them to grow. If I would take a job that I’m really uncertain of, I’ll grow tired of it and get sick of it. I’ll hate waking up in the morning, I’ll drag myself to breakfast. I’ll be stuck to it and not fulfill my ideas and dreams.
I want to do something that defines me, not just some odd job that pays me but I don’t feel any passion at all for it. Many may not agree but…
Being the undecisive girl that I am – I know if I make one move now that doesn’t satisfy me, I wiill make more confusing decisions in the long run and so..if doing little steps can make it better, then I will. I know things will work out and they will! Won’t they?
But I also feel the guilt of being irresponsible because my mom had her dreams, but I know she was not able to make them come true at all in order for me to survive. She’s not pressuring me I know, but even if she does not tell..sometimes I don’t know -_-
I hope God will help me out on this or maybe – you?